The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
