I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize