It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Randomize
