I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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