you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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