Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
BRING THE BAGELS
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
