That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
