3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
