sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize