i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
These tits shall not be calmed
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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