You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
