i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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