when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Found the puke drawer
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
