i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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