you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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