I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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