Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
