he told me I talked like a deaf person
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
