she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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