Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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