my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize