wat bout pragnant strippers??
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
