i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
