Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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