I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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