I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
