I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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