Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
