You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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