You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
