sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
