I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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