When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
