you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
