Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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