so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
