My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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