Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
