Pants 0. Shit 1.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
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