so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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