I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
