There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize