So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
