my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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