i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize