Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
