I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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