Whod you bang
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
