I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
