Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
