we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
