my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
