does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
